Self Imprisonment
The Dark Chambers
Have you forced yourself into an (in) voluntary imprisonment? Have you found yourself cornered? Did you (feel that) you were forced into a corner and that you did not have a way to escape? Were you terrified? Did you almost think that the end of life was at hand? Did you feel that the whole world was about to collapse around you? Have you experienced those terrifying moments, when you thought that there was no way out? Have you had those moments, when you thought that you were cornered in a shadow battle, where the whole world was standing against you and you were standing all alone? You know, I can answer with a firm YES to all those questions and there is not an iota of untruth in it. I survived to tell my tale.
Our Beliefs and Convictions
Many of us have lived through situations and circumstances, wherein we believed that we have friends and relatives and benefactors. We believed. We were convinced. We went about our lives until one day all those believes and convictions proved to be the bitterest of untruths that we ever held close to our hearts.
We realised then, at the moment, when disaster struck that we had lived through an illusion. It was a bitter mirage but we had convinced ourselves, For us it was the reality itself. Unbreakable It was a faith. We did not have any valid reason to believe that it could be otherwise. It was all crystal clear to us.
And Then the Crystal Palace Collapsed
Indeed! The crystal palace that we had build up around us over time came crashing down and we stood amidst the rubble and debris of that edifice that was once a stupendous structure of which we were so proud. It was our protection, our safe haven. We could come to no harm. We were surrounded by benefactors that would prevent us from any harm.
The hallucination, however, was short lived and truth, when it hit us in the face was mercilessly harsh and bitter. It was a harsh slap across the face us and woke up to a reality of which we had never dreamed.
The Black Mirror - Self Review
The lessons I learned. Low self-esteem! Unfounded timidity. Low self confidence. Fear of the unknown and non existent. The belief that I was weak. The overpowering conviction that told me that I am a loser, weak, powerless and useless.
A building with a faulty foundation will not stand. It is destined to collapse and collapse it will, one day. The time span remains an unknown factor, however, that it will collapse is the indubitable truth.
The Reflection. The Cold Analysis
Why did others betray me? Why did they deliberately harm me? Why was I considered a weakling?
All the wrong questions. ALL of them. Why? Simple. Why did I create an illusion around myself? Why did I let them harm me? Who believed that I was weak? They? No, I myself.
I imprisoned myself in the illusions that I had fabricated from my contorted imagination, which was plagued by a collection of negative experiences. The collective stimuli became the foundation for the illusion. Just as warmth combined with the right amount of humidity is conducive to the growth of mould, the impression of being a weakling that I myself let grow within me, became the foundation of the weakling identity that I indirectly created in myself.
The Breakout. The Final Release
It was time for me to face my own mistakes. I, the Grand Creator of my own illusion, had to face the catastrophic grandeur of my own creation, in which I had royally imprisoned myself.
And it was I myself, the accused turned judge that delivered the judgement releasing myself from the prison that I had created. I was my own prisoner, my own jailer and my final judge.
Sentenced to Freedom - Coming Home
It was the homecoming. I released myself from the jail that I had created myself. It was time to come home to the sunshine, the warmth, the brilliance of the flowers, the song of the birds and I have the strength to turn back upon the multitude in front of me and exult with joy: All your vile intentions, thoughts and actions cannot stand the tidal wave of love that is rolling out of my heart. You stand defeated.
A Word of Gratitude to me for Discovering my Hidden Self
Words of mine own, I have none but I shall quote here the words of a favourite poet of mine, P B Shelley. A poem I taught many years ago and it still echoes within me:
We look before and after,
And pine for what is not:
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.
Yet if we could scorn
Hate, and pride, and fear;
If we were things born
Not to shed a tear,
I know not how thy joy we ever should come near.
Better than all measures
Of delightful sound,
Better than all treasures
That in books are found,
Thy skill to poet were, thou scorner of the ground!
Teach me half the gladness
That thy brain must know,
Such harmonious madness
From my lips would flow
The world should listen then, as I am listening now.
(To a Skylark, P B Shelley, June 1820)
Credits: The Poetry Foundation
Mantralayam Srinath
01. July 2024
Image credits: Investopedia.